The reason I have chosen to talk about family and work and the "Balance" seeking behavior of people between the two is fundamentally because the foundations of Structural Thinking can be easily explained through this. The reason why I chose to quote J. Krishnamurthi is also because of the reason that the quote I have given contains the essence of Structural Thinking.
We are conditioned in our mind to look at things in a fragmented way. We create separate boxes in our mind about different groups that we interact with, and try to give different identities in each of these groups. We try to be different at Work, at Home, with Friends, with Relatives, with Customers, with Vendors and so on and so forth. Many of us would have complaints from our spouses that we help our friends more than his/her relatives, that when we are dishonest at our workplace how can we be honest at home, that we are more patient with our colleagues than our family members and so on. Many times we ourselves feel ridiculous about our own responses to these different groups of people. Most of us end up getting frustrated because of these questions and declare that life is unfair to each of us.
The solution to the above problems that we face, begins by questioning the root of the formation of such multiple identities about ourselves. Why do we try to create so many different images of ourselves and then try to juggle between these images? Why cant we have one common image that cuts across the whole realm of roles that we play in our life? It is much simpler to have one image than multiple images. Then there would be no question of balance no question of disharmony among various roles. Then we can see that life is but fair, only we have made it unfair to ourselves.
To make this issue a little more visible and understandable let me quote an incident that I happened to witness a couple of years back. There was, in the town that I studied, a bus conductor of a private bus service, who was very rude to his passengers. But, he was very prompt in his job. He issued tickets efficiently, insisted to the driver that the bus must stop where it is supposed to, and shouted at passengers if they forgot to buy the ticket or if they made a request to stop where the bus is not supposed to stop. His interactions with this passengers were rude. When someone points this to him, he always used to say, "I do my job correctly, I dont have either the time or the patience to be soft to my passengers, because I have to do my job correctly. And since I do my job correctly, I dont have to bother or fear anyone. I can be like I want to be." People stopped advising him after a while.
The same bus conductor had to take his mother to a super specialty hospital built in a nearby town for some treatment. So, he took his old and sick mother to the bus station and got her into a government run bus. Soon after the bus crossed town, his mother had a vomiting sensation. He requested the conductor of the bus to stop the bus, so that she can vomit. The conductor was very rude to him. He said "If your mother is sick, what have I got to do with that? If you wanted such luxury, take a private cab. Or get down the bus and catch another one. Just for the sake of one passenger I cannot disturb others. What is the matter with you? Cant you think straight?" When he tried to explain the conductor of the govt. bus service snubbed him out saying "I dont have time and patience to understand you. I have to do my job correctly. And as long as I do my job correclty, I dont have to care a ding about what you feel."
Look at the above situation and think of the Identity crisis that the conductor of the private bus service would be facing. As a conductor of the bus, he did his duty correctly. And he built a system of values that enabled him to be a good conductor. But, as a passenger, he expected the other conductor to understand his situation. He operated with a completely different value system when he was a passenger and he had someone to take care about. He did not feel it was wrong to ask the conductor of the govt. bus service to stop at a place where the bus was not supposed to stop. Now, what would he do the next day? Would he continue to be firm and rude in his job the next day? Or should he continue being rude and firm.
Let us keep being rude apart from the story. Because, when I use the word "rude", most of us assign a negative meaning to it, which colors the story. Just ask yourselves whether being firm (without being rude) would make the above situation any better. According to me, the situation remains the same. Even if the govt. bus conductor was polite in the above said situation, the private service bus conductor would have got the same question as he had got earlier, maybe with a different level of intensity.
The above situation maybe typical, but there are many conflicts that we can identify with which are similar to the aforementioned situations. As employees we want higher salaries for good work done, but as customers we want lower prices for the best quality goods. As customers we want employees of organizations that serve us to be understanding, as employees we wont have time and patience to understand our customers. As workers we want our family members to understand and support our work related pressures, but as family members we refuse to understand support the work related pressures that might be created in the family because of various works that are carried out in the family.We are conditioned in our mind to look at things in a fragmented way. We create separate boxes in our mind about different groups that we interact with, and try to give different identities in each of these groups. We try to be different at Work, at Home, with Friends, with Relatives, with Customers, with Vendors and so on and so forth. Many of us would have complaints from our spouses that we help our friends more than his/her relatives, that when we are dishonest at our workplace how can we be honest at home, that we are more patient with our colleagues than our family members and so on. Many times we ourselves feel ridiculous about our own responses to these different groups of people. Most of us end up getting frustrated because of these questions and declare that life is unfair to each of us.
The solution to the above problems that we face, begins by questioning the root of the formation of such multiple identities about ourselves. Why do we try to create so many different images of ourselves and then try to juggle between these images? Why cant we have one common image that cuts across the whole realm of roles that we play in our life? It is much simpler to have one image than multiple images. Then there would be no question of balance no question of disharmony among various roles. Then we can see that life is but fair, only we have made it unfair to ourselves.
To make this issue a little more visible and understandable let me quote an incident that I happened to witness a couple of years back. There was, in the town that I studied, a bus conductor of a private bus service, who was very rude to his passengers. But, he was very prompt in his job. He issued tickets efficiently, insisted to the driver that the bus must stop where it is supposed to, and shouted at passengers if they forgot to buy the ticket or if they made a request to stop where the bus is not supposed to stop. His interactions with this passengers were rude. When someone points this to him, he always used to say, "I do my job correctly, I dont have either the time or the patience to be soft to my passengers, because I have to do my job correctly. And since I do my job correctly, I dont have to bother or fear anyone. I can be like I want to be." People stopped advising him after a while.
The same bus conductor had to take his mother to a super specialty hospital built in a nearby town for some treatment. So, he took his old and sick mother to the bus station and got her into a government run bus. Soon after the bus crossed town, his mother had a vomiting sensation. He requested the conductor of the bus to stop the bus, so that she can vomit. The conductor was very rude to him. He said "If your mother is sick, what have I got to do with that? If you wanted such luxury, take a private cab. Or get down the bus and catch another one. Just for the sake of one passenger I cannot disturb others. What is the matter with you? Cant you think straight?" When he tried to explain the conductor of the govt. bus service snubbed him out saying "I dont have time and patience to understand you. I have to do my job correctly. And as long as I do my job correclty, I dont have to care a ding about what you feel."
Look at the above situation and think of the Identity crisis that the conductor of the private bus service would be facing. As a conductor of the bus, he did his duty correctly. And he built a system of values that enabled him to be a good conductor. But, as a passenger, he expected the other conductor to understand his situation. He operated with a completely different value system when he was a passenger and he had someone to take care about. He did not feel it was wrong to ask the conductor of the govt. bus service to stop at a place where the bus was not supposed to stop. Now, what would he do the next day? Would he continue to be firm and rude in his job the next day? Or should he continue being rude and firm.
Let us keep being rude apart from the story. Because, when I use the word "rude", most of us assign a negative meaning to it, which colors the story. Just ask yourselves whether being firm (without being rude) would make the above situation any better. According to me, the situation remains the same. Even if the govt. bus conductor was polite in the above said situation, the private service bus conductor would have got the same question as he had got earlier, maybe with a different level of intensity.
What is the root of such conflict? What breeds such different responses in us?
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